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Today was just really really awful. I feel so empty, like I physically couldn’t smile. I had work, and was really tired and normally I’m up for a really good laugh, but we were busy, and I just didn’t want to even try. Then we went out for a meal and I felt sick, and could feel my heart pounding, and just would’ve given anything to not be there. The evening got better, and by the end I did enjoy myself. But I just felt so unbelievably sad.
I know why I feel sad, because this week I found out I can’t remark my exam papers. I know it’s a really stupid thing to feel down about, especially as I didn’t do badly at all. But the grades were 100% not what I wanted, and I worked so hard like I cannot express. I didn’t have a social life this year at all, I worked 9-5 every day, and barely made time for lunch. I stressed so much, but worked my fucking arse off, and I thought I’d got what I wanted and really had confidence in myself. That’s totally gone and I want it back now. Just the prospect of having to do three re-sits next year is horrific, and people don’t understand.
I am just absolutely gutted, and I’m trying so hard not to be. I don’t know how to be okay with how I did; I just don’t think I ever will be. I know it isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but in my life this is what’s happening, and these results were incredibly important to me. They signified everything I’d worked so hard to achieve this year, and being disappointed and wishing I’d done more just isn’t fair. Last year I deserved this feeling, because I didn’t work anywhere near hard enough. But this year I made sure this feeling wasn’t an option, yet here I am, wishing more than anything that this is a dream and I’ll wake up happy.
do I care if you’ve set up a queue?